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The Divine Joke You Can Relate and Get Infortained Through


Story Highlights
  • The longest river has a source, And the tallest mountain has a peak, Everything has a beginning and an end But that is not the end of everything
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Life in the non-banana republic of Uganda where according to the Head of State the government cannot be overthrown by mass protests is very interesting. And not only because people try and fail to achieve certain things despite being forewarned about the futility of any such attempts by the big kahunas, but also because regardless of being a third world country with a population that is exploding at a terrifying rate, taking more loans from China and IMF despite already being neck-deep in debts.

The expenditure of which only the rich politicians can immaculately account for, when it comes to global trends, the average Ugandan is not being left behind by the likes of Nigeria, Africa’s largest economy, and Ethiopia and Rwanda, some of the fastest growing economies in the world, and all this I guess is largely possible because of the internet. It is also because us Ugandans are very flexible and perceptive  people so before you blow this off as one of those political articles, relax because that is not the destination towards which we are headed.

Now believe it or not, the percentage of people in this world who are convinced that there is an ongoing global shift in consciousness seems to be growing by the day and like I said, us Ugandans like to catch up with trends and as such there have recently been a growing number in libertines. There are homos seeking to be recognized, stoners pushing for the legalization of marijuana and there is even a small budding Buddhist community with a Temple and all.


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As such, terms like introverts and mystics are being uttered here and there and even the traditionalists whom the colonial government had vomited into seclusion have studied and gotten the white man’s masters degrees and PhDs only to vomit them out and start preaching Afrocentrism. Consequently, television debates and radio talk shows and inter-religious councils are being organized in the guise of promoting harmony between these ever increasing sects although most of those involved seem to be
only interested in either proving that they are right and consequently garnering more converts or completely mocking their counterparts and still gathering more converts and all this I must say it is very interesting.

There are back to Africa groups on Facebook as well the black awakening groups with lots of fervent Ugandan participants but Televangelists are not seated either. In fact one of them, a prophet, foresaw the coming of Coronavirus but chose not to mention it back then, although he felt compelled to talk about it once the pandemic took hold, for some reason. And just the other day I read somewhere about how Buddhism started in Africa and there was proof too, you know, an ancient drawing of some guy with weird hair seated in the lotus position somewhere on the walls of one of the pyramids.

Now before we stray let us get back to the debates and let us, for a moment leave behind facts, speculations, and reality and enter the world of fiction and pure religious and spiritual romanticism.
So it so happened that a renown African Traditionalist with several degrees from England, a Makerere
University Philosophy professor referred to as a cynic Atheist, an enthusiastic Evangelic Minister with
questionable credentials, a Hajji Sheikh with more than ten trips to Mecca on his Passport, and a lowly
degenerate Mystic the character or convictions of whom are hard to pinpoint ended up on one of the televisions in Kampala in an unprecedented and most heated spiritual debate which the not banana republic has seen so far.


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As a show of goodwill, the debaters arrived in the same vehicle, and after two and a half hours of subtly
mocking and trying to prove each other wrong, they departed in the same car, in order to, as they said,
demonstrate to the masses their good will and a spirit of unity and harmonious living despite having different religious convictions. Everyone was impressed and even I must admit that it was a nice gesture.

Unfortunately, a few minutes later there was breaking news on the same television and it was sad news. There had been an accident; the television car in which they were being transported had crashed, gone off the road and overturned several times, instantly killing all the debaters and leaving the driver in a critical condition.

Now this is where we leave the world of the living and take a walk with the dearly departed.
The first one to wake up was the Mystic. There had been a bright light, and a feeling of levitation, crippling terror and then he had felt himself drift, floating freely in the boundless air just as the world around him slowly stabilized, and then, distancing himself from the portal beyond or below or above which he assumed lay the ruins of the car, he had waited for about five minutes or so in dead people time and was about to start exploring the unfathomable darkness when the Evangelist suddenly appeared besides him.

“What happened?” asked the Evangelist “Take a wild guess,” the Mystic replied, gesturing with his arms out in reference to the surrounding darkness. “Are we…?” the Evangelist started but stopped half-way and twisted his head as if listening for something. “Dead? I don’t know but if we are then shame on Hollywood and that stale line. Dead men tell no tales.” “And the others?” “What about them?”

“Well, if it is just us we better get moving. I can hear the Angels singing and I know the direction their voices are coming from.” “You can? You know?” asked the surprised Mystic who up to that point had not heard anything at all. Now here I must emphasize that while he was still alive, the Mystic was not what you could normally refer to as completely sane. Apparently he could see and hear things that others couldn’t and he had over the years learnt that on the Mystical journey, until such a time as when one becomes enlightened, the downside to seeing and hearing things others cannot was to sometimes not see or hear things which others can.

So when the Evangelist talked about the singing Angels, the Mystic decided that it must be one of those cases and started walking with the Evangelist but at that moment two more people appeared.
It was the Sheikh and the Traditionalist. The Evangelist quickly brought them up to speed and asked them to follow and although they did not follow as readily as the Mystic had, they both agreed to tag along. After a few steps the Traditionalist said, “Those are not angelic songs. I, clearly can hear the Ancestors chanting.”

And he overtook the Evangelist and led the way, hurrying towards the ancestors. Once again, the Mystic heard neither Angelic song nor Ancestral chant but he walked on. A few more steps and the Muslim rushed past all of them
and led the way. Apparently he too could hear neither the songs nor the chants but he could clearly hear the Prophet, Peace be upon him, leading the morning prayers and he had also picked up the fragrance of the perfumed virgins.


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He was now leading the way and taking huge steps and the Mystic was walking hesitantly behind, contemplating whether to move back or take a different route but then another thing happened. All of a sudden the three that were leading the way stopped walking and turned to the right and the most
sympathetic expressions appeared on the faces of the Evangelist and the Sheikh. On the face of the
Traditionalist was a different expression though, one of intrigue and later on a kind smile appeared there.

“What are you guys looking at?” Asked the Mystic who was still seeing only the void darkness all around and hearing nothing but the deafening silence. “Why?” the Evangelist answered readily with a voice full of affected pity, “It is the Atheist.” The Mystic strained his eyes but saw nothing at all and this finally bothered him. He was okay with not hearing angels and chants and prayers and not smelling the fragrance of virgins but failing to recognize a human soul or in that case any soul was according to him the worst thing that could happen.

This he could not ignore, and believing that this time his companions had began hallucinating, he was about to turn back and follow his own path but suddenly a faint light emerged and in front of it was a door that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. This intrigued the Mystic and despite feeling bad about not seeing the Atheist professor, he decided to stay… (PART TWO LOADING)

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Elijah Mutabuza

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